Miss Valliere's Machine Gun Dragon Maid
by CrossoverStuff
Summary: A recently humbled Dragonborn found herself in a land filled with magical items with such curious names such as Staff of Destruction, Dragon Railment, Avtomat Kalashnikova and RHEINMETALLACHTACHTFLIEGERABWHRKANONEEINUNDVIERZIG (a.k.a. 8.8 cm Flak 41). She also wears a maid outfit.
1. Dragon Maid

_Help._

One simple word rang out in her head. It was weak, subdued as if it were reaching from beyond the very depth of the ocean. But it echoed in her heart like a massive torrent, drowning all the jeers and insults her fellow students mercilessly threw around her. She looked upon her smoldering summoning circle and braced herself for the worst. Either she had summoned something terrible, or worse yet, nothing at all.

_Help._

The word repeated in her head as the smoke from the destroyed hallowed ground cleared out, prompting the academy staff and teachers around her to ready their weapons. The familiar summoning could occasionally be dangerous, with all the manticores and dragons running about. Today, the students of Tristain would be reminded of that fact.

A large, oily tentacle lashed out from the circle and straight towards her. Too fast for her to perceive how wrong and evil it looked, but still too slow for the trained reflexes of the veteran mages that made up the Academy's staff. It was quickly beaten back by a magical fire from her favorite professor.

"Lady Valliere!" called Professor Colbert as more and more tentacles slid out from what looked like a hole in reality, hovering above the summoning circle. "We must leave now! It's too dangerous!"

"No!" she said. "My failures...my failures end here!"

She walked forward, not caring that she'd just accidentally admitted her long denied failures. Many of the staff tried to stop her, but each was being assaulted by at least two boneless limbs. She raised her wand, burying her fear with a mountain of pride. She was the only student here. Even that Zerbst had run away. Perhaps later history would remember her as a brave mage that stood up to a void-damned horror when her compatriots had all cowardly run, or maybe she'd be remembered as a stupid kid not knowing her own limit. Still, that's for other people's children to decide.

She pointed her wand at the summoning circle where the horror-beast had originated and chanted, fully intending to bind herself a familiar no matter how ugly it looked.

"You will submit! Fireball!"

A bright flash filled her vision for a second before a great shock suddenly slammed her backward, collapsing her lungs and sending her onto the soft grass. She struggled to maintain her consciousness as she rolled on the ground until her eyes finally stopped at the blue sky. For a moment she was afraid that her lungs had completely failed until she realized that her difficulty breathing was due to a body pressing on top of her. A heavy yet surprisingly soft body, clad in nothing.

She looked down and saw an unfamiliar pair of striking blue eyes on a face white as snow, looking at her through a bang of dull black hair with an aura of gratefulness she had only ever seen in someone pardoned from a death sentence.

The unfamiliar girl parted her thin, colorless lips, and uttered two words.

"Thank you."

* * *

"And this is my home, Skyrim." the strange girl smiled with barely concealed pride, her borrowed shirt threatening to burst over her puffed up chest as she pointed at the northern part of a map she had just drawn herself on the graph paper provided.

"Hm, I've never heard of any of these places." The Headmaster Osmond, a long-bearded old wizard, hummed curiously even as his eyes stayed locked at the strange girl's bosom.

"I too have never seen any of the maps you have given me, headmaster." the girl said calmly. "Though I have always wondered what lies beyond the Sea of Ghost."

"Ah, you are trying to say that you've come from across the uncharted ocean?" asked Colbert, a middle-aged wizard, and a vice-headmaster in all but name.

"It is possible. The moons and constellations here look similar enough, but given that the lady has summoned me from a place beyond the void, I can't even be sure if I'm from the same plane of existence."

"Right…" Colbert nodded inquisitively. "If it's alright with you...how exactly did you end up as a servant of a...demon prince, you say?"

"Daedric prince. And to answer that…" the girl looked down, her blue eyes filled with shame. "I got greedy."

"Ah, a too common story." the headmaster nodded with sympathy.

"You might want to keep quiet about that part of your life around here. The church can get somewhat zealous," warned Colbert.

An eyebrow was raised.

"Everyone has their secrets." Colbert smiled deviously.

The girl nodded. "Still, being trapped in the realm of the knowledge demon has given me a strong grasp in language, so it's not all bad...relatively speaking. At least it's not the madness demon."

Colbert smiled with uncomforting glee. "Right, you can talk to us! And you can tell us about your home!" he said somewhat giddily, eager at the prospect of a new research project. Before he could ask further questions, however, a knock came from the door. The door opened, revealing a short girl with long pink hair.

"Headmaster, you've called for me?"

"Ah yes, Lady Valliere! Come in, please! Have a seat."

Louise Valliere walked in, taking her seat on an empty chair next to the girl from Skyrim. She looked...afraid, as if she already knew what the headmaster was about to say.

"Should I leave?" the stranger girl from Skyrim suggested.

"No, it's alright, this is as much about you," said Colbert.

"Lady Valliere, I have summoned you here regarding your familiar summoning." said the headmaster.

"I've already done it," Louise responded, sounding like she's trying to convince herself more than anyone.

"Yes, but you didn't summon an animal. You summoned a person. Forcing her to be your familiar would be open slavery. And you know it's illegal."

The pink-haired girl flinched at the word 'slavery'.

"So, what'll happen now?" the stranger girl piped in, clearly curious.

"Well, then we...we have to fail Lady Valliere for the course...and send her back home," Osmond said heavily.

The girl in question didn't respond. Instead, she lowered her head and hid behind her long pink hair, knuckles white over her knees.

"Is a familiar that vital for magical learning?" asked the stranger girl.

"No, but it helps with categorization," said Colbert. "A familiar is the embodiment of our magic. It shows our elements and strength. To be honest, with how Lady Valliere has been performing last year…"

"We're not sure if she has the aptitude to learn here, and the familiar summoning was her last chance to prove herself," said Osmond bluntly.

The girl from Skyrim looked beside her, and she was not as much of a brute as to not recognize a girl that was about to cry.

"I'll do it, then."

"What." said the other three in the room in unison.

"I'll be her familiar."

Louise raised her head, not believing her ears, but soon her shock turned into fury.

"I...I didn't ask for your pity!"

"Pity? Nay. Honor more like. My lady, you might not comprehend what you have done for me, but you have saved me from undying, eternal servitude. Considering that, a little elbow grease on my part only seems fair."

"Are you sure? This is not some servant job you're applying to. You're in until the end of a life, either yours or hers." asked Colbert worriedly.

"She's not immortal. It is a lot better than my previous situation."

"You're talking as if it's a given that you'll outlive me." Louise challenged.

"If it ended differently, then my ability to die would be a gift from you, one I would gladly pay with a lifetime of servitude."

Louise's eyes widened. "You're...crazy."

"Nay, madam. Just a Nord." the stranger smiled. "Still, it's your choice, madam."

The pink-haired girl went silent, obviously conflicted.

"I...must I decide now..?"

"We could give you some time, but we have to inform your mothe-"

"I'll do it." Louise barked, cutting off her professor.

Headmaster Osmond sighed. "Then I shall be the witness of the consent between the two of you. Stand up please."

The two girls, soon to be master and servant, stood up and faced each other.

"Hereby I, Freya of Whiterun, surrendered my life to the master I've yet able to pronounce the name correctly…"

Louise snickered. In any other situation she would be mad at such uncivilized behavior, but the day had been so absurd she couldn't help but laughed, out of stress if not out of her own humor.

"...and I will do her bidding, from domestic service to the ending of her enemies. This I swear."

Louise stopped snickering.

"And I accept...I guess?" she said without even hiding her doubt.

Professor Colbert shook his head, exasperated. "You may finish the ceremony."

Louise took a step forward, though she did not face Freya directly.

"Hm? What's wrong?"

It was only after Louise looked up and showed her bright red face that Freya realized what was about to happen.

_Oh, I see._

_It's that kind of ritual._

* * *

_Good evening, my name is Freya, and due to circumstances, I have been sent here as Lady Vallere's personal servant. My lady is out cold for the night and I need to acclimate with the workplace._

That was what the new girl said as she introduced herself back in the kitchen, before she offered her help.

"I thought students are not allowed any private servants in the academy?" Siesta asked as she walked the corridor with Freya, both carrying a basket of freshly washed laundry though Freya's basket was substantially bigger.

"Lady Vallir has a special...condition that I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell anyone yet."

"Vallir? Are you talking about Lady Valliere?"

Freya made an embarrassed smile.

"Pardon me, I am not yet used to this foreign tongue."

"Ah, I thought you had some accent. Where are you from, if it's alright to know?"

"I'm from the north."

Siesta nodded knowingly. "Of course, yes, your name does sound Germanian."

Siesta turned around the corner and stopped at the very first door. She knocked, and when no one answered she opened it revealing an empty dorm room.

"This is Lady Malley's room, give me your basket." Ordered siesta.

"All of these clothes look similar. How do you know which noble owns which?" Freya said as she put her basket down.

"It's a learned skill," Siesta said as she began arranging the clothes inside a wardrobe.

"Hm. Right. Talking about similar clothes, is that a uniform?"

"Oh? You mean my maid outfit?" Answered Siesta, gesturing at her black and white dress.

"This place must be rich to equip all of its servants with similar clothes. Back home the servants just wear whatever they have that day."

"Actually, we must provide the outfit ourselves…"

"Really? Sounds expensive."

"It's kind of like a blacksmith's apron. It's a badge of profession. Besides, I like it this way. Since it's mine I don't have to worry about tearing it, and I can customize it too!" Siesta said as her hands continued working.

"Huh," Freya nodded, an idea forming in her head. "Say, miss, which way is it to the nearest town?"

* * *

When she woke up, Louise thought she saw a ghost.

A strange pale girl stood in the corner of her room like a statue, unmoving and unblinking with her hands clasped at her front in a gesture of indifferent servitude. Her snow-white face and colorless lips blended in with the plastered stone of the wall, leaving her pair of striking blue eyes as the only thing suggesting the existence of a face and making it so to Louise's sleepy vision that the wall was staring at her.

She was about to scream when she remembered who the girl was. She, however, did not remember the clothes the girl was currently wearing.

"Ah, you are awake, madam." Freya smiled. The way her face turned to life made Louise think that the girl had been sleeping with her eyes open while standing.

"What are you wearing?" Louise asked.

"Oh? These? I went to town last night." her familiar said, gesturing at her clearly brand new maid outfit. "Though I'd get myself a proper outfit for the job."

"The town is at least a whole day away from the academy. On a horse."

"I have my ways," Freya said, smiling suspiciously.

"Where did you get the money?" It's not like the outfit would be that expensive, but Louise distinctively remembered the girl in front of her came to the academy with literally nothing on her, so distinctively in fact that she could feel her face heating from the memory.

"As I've said, I have my ways." The girl repeated, thought a little bit more bashfully this time.

"You're not stealing, are you?" Louise interrogated, clearly more worried about her family's good name than her familiar's criminal record.

"Of course not! I wouldn't risk your good name like that." Freya said as if she could read her mistress' mind. Considering the familiar connection, she might as well did. "Besides, I didn't buy this outfit. I made it. It's quite amazing what people are throwing away around here, especially the nobles. I even found some soul gem substitutes."

Louise checked her familiar head to toe. She's wearing what looked like a typical maid outfit, completed with a frilly white headdress to keep her dull black hair out of her face. But she had also added a fancy white and black choker and a pair of white gloves decorated with a ring of black ribbon around the right index finger. It looked a little bit too well put together to be an overnight work made from second-hand materials, and what was that about gems?

"Most of these are just bedcovers, tablecloths, and old napkins. I am very handy with my hands." Freya smiled, clearly proud of herself.

"I see. And the sword?" said Louise, pointing at the sheathed sword slung on her familiar's shoulder that had been somehow ignored so far.

"Well, the shop owner practically begged me to take it. I think he believed the sword to be cursed. He looked so meek I just couldn't say no."

"Cursed...what?"

"It does talk."

As if on cue the handguard of the sword began to move, mimicking the flow of speaking lips.

"Hey, little lady. Name's Derflinger." the sword said with the voice of an old man.

"What."

"Interestingly, madam," Freya spoke, ignoring Louise's gaping jaw. "I've never used a two-handed sword before, but when I use Derf here it feels like I've been training with him my entire life. It is very curious. Also, my runes start glowing whenever I touch him."

As a demonstration, Freya put her left hand on the hilt of the sword. The familiar runes on her right hand promptly glowed through her glove with nearly blinding silver light.

"Oh, that felt good." the sword said.

"If I were a magical academic I'd probably think of this as very interesting, don't you agree, madam?"

The conversation did not continue as Louise appeared to not have enough mental capacity remaining to do anything other than staring blankly at her familiar.

Finally, she managed to recover enough to open her mouth.

"You are weird, you know that?"

"By this world's standard, probably." Freya smiled sheepishly, looking somewhat regretful. "But trust me, madam. I've been trying my hardest to be as normal as possible for your sake. I apologize that my effort is not enough to satisfy you."

Louise gritted her teeth before rubbing her temple with her dainty little hand. It seemed that her familiar would be harder to handle than any beast.

"Whatever." Louise shook her head in a decidedly un-noble manner. "Just help me get dressed, would you?"

Perhaps getting into her morning routine would help her regain her sense of normalcy.

"Gladly, Madam." Freya smiled before she moved to fulfill her order.

* * *

**PROFILE**

* * *

**Name: Freya (Female Nord, Pure)**

**Class: Dragonborn**

**Level: 160**

**Stone: Lord (+50 Armor, +25% Magic Resistance)**

* * *

**GEAR**

* * *

**Headdress of the Maid Dragon**

**Armor: 0**

**Effect: +15% Magicka Regeneration, Waterbreathing**

* * *

**Collar of the Maid Dragon**

**Armor: 0**

**Effect: +30% Two-Handed Damage, +20% Magic Resistance**

* * *

**Apron of the Maid Dragon**

**Armor: 0**

**Effect: +40 Health, 35% Stamina Regeneration**

**Bust Size: D for Dragon.**

* * *

**Gloves of the Maid Dragon**

**Armor: 0**

**Effect: +40% Two-Handed Damage, +27% Stronger Enchantments**

* * *

**Ribbon Ring of the Maid Dragon**

**Armor: 0**

**Effect: +30% Two-Handed Damage, +20% Magic Resistance**

* * *

**Slippers of the Maid Dragon**

**Armor: 0**

**Effect: +30% Two-Handed Damage, Muffle**

* * *

**Derflinger (Legendary)**

**Skill: Two-Handed**

**Damage: 400 (including all buffs)**

**Effect: + 20% Magic Resistance, Block 50% More Damage**

* * *

**Runes of Gandalfr**

**Effect: +100 on all weapon skills**


	2. Mind Trick

**A/N: This story will be a shorter one. The updates ideally would be short and frequent.**

**Guest review response: Slavery, I'm glad that particular afterthought of mine made the fiction a much more enjoyable experience for you, stranger.**

* * *

"Thank you for your help, Miss Freya, but you really don't have to do this. Don't you have your own responsibilities?" Siesta said, pushing a cart full of dirty dishes from the dining hall back to the kitchen.

Freya, pushing her own cart full of leftovers, smiled.

"It's okay, my lady prefers to eat in her room alone. Besides, I'd like to try some of these leftovers. The ingredients here are somewhat different from what we have back home, so I'm worried if my culinary skill could transfer well to Tristainian cuisine."

"Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine! Cooking is about skill, not ingredients! Hm. Maybe I'll teach you how to make a nice bowl of ramen sometime."

"A bowl of what?"

Before Siesta could answer, she signaled for Freya to stop. Right in front of her, at the other end of the corridor, three people were having an argument. A lovers' quarrel, by the look of it.

"Guiche!"

"You jerk!"

**_SLAP_**

Freya blinked. She had just seen two girls slapping the life out of a poor blonde boy, and then just left in tears. There was no stabbing or beheading or any other form of judicial duel involved, which was pretty tame compared to the standard of her land, but apparently, the sight was novel enough by this land's standard to warrant an accidental loud guffaw from Siesta, of which the noise was unfortunately heard by the young jilted noble.

"You think this is funny, huh?" the blonde boy approached, looking mightily red whether from anger or simply from having his pride slapped the hell out of him.

"N-No! Of course not!" Siesta stuttered, trying to hide what remained of her smile.

"Tell me your name, servant." He demanded.

"Lord Guiche, please! It was an honest mistake!" Siesta bowed her head low, trying to not make eye contact with the boy. The fear in her voice made it obvious to Freya that this was probably a bad situation for a maid to be in.

"Quiet and tell me your name." the noble repeated his demand, uncaring.

Still trying to not make eye contact with the boy, Siesta inadvertently looked at Freya, and the distress in her eyes was enough to drive the maid-familiar to action.

"Um, Lord Guiche, is it?" Freya said.

"What? You're free to go. My business is with this one."

"Er...right. Lord Guiche, I know you're frustrated and angry and need a target to vent out, but please, it's not this girl's fault that you got caught in the middle of your adultering way, or whatever just happened, and…"

"What?!" The boy now looked ten times angrier than before.

_Wow, I really need to work on my speechcraft._

"How dare you..! Wait, I know you."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do." the blonde boy walked closer to Freya. "You're that girl the Zero summoned. Your Mistress will hear about this later. Now, you…" The boy returned his attention back to the squirming Siesta.

"Ah, well. It's worth a try." Frey shrugged. **"Hol Hah."**

* * *

**_Bend Will: Stage Two_**

* * *

Guiche's body suddenly went rigid, and her eyes looked glazed as she faced Freya.

"We are not the maids you are looking for," Freya said.

"You are not the maids I am looking for."

"W-what's happening?" Siesta asked, only to be silenced by a polite hand gesture from Freya.

"In fact, you're not looking for any maids at all. You're about to go to the girl you love the most, and you will beg for her forgiveness. You will realize that you are a failure as a gentleman, and you will stop your adultering way."

"I will find Montmorency, the love of my life, and I will seek her mercy. I am a failure as a gentleman, and I will atone, and I will make her happy."

"Leave and do so, Lord Guiche."

"So I shall."

And with that, Guiche De Gramont left, leaving Freya alone with a _very_ confused Siesta.

Freya turned towards Siesta, a finger on her lips.

"Do keep quiet about this, would you dear?"


End file.
